no guilt

I went out last night with some friends…. We ate and had wine and talked. They asked, I told them and we moved on. I went out last night with some friends…. We laughed and giggled and ate and had wine. We talked and talked and it was nice.

We went dancing afterwards, danced and danced and danced. You see I love music and I love dancing and I love being out with friends that eat and talk and have wine…..

It hit me like a rainstorm in the desert. Felt foreign at first and then immense sadness and then tons of tears and then euphoria, bliss, peace, happYness, love, compassion and above all understanding. The beautiful friend dancing so freely with me on the dance floor fought cancer, she fought for her life and her kids and her husband and is still just a patchwork of emotions, but on that dance floor we are free and we are part of something no one can understand.

I am not fighting cancer and I am not fighting for my life. I get to chose to end this war by having my mastectomy. My dear friend didn’t have a choice and yet she took it on, walked tall through it all and is now here with me dancing, feeling this sense of oneness with everything and nothing. Finding the rhythm of the music of life of sadness and happYness all on a different frequency. Finding freedom in movement not judged by anyone or looked upon with pink pitty or having to hide the tears of fear and confusion.

I went out last night with some friends ….. I came home with a heart full of compassion and understanding. Knowing to mourn doesn’t take a day or a week or a month, it takes however long it takes and it comes to you when you least expect it. Surround yourself with people who care enough to not see the tears sometimes, people who don’t say anything and yet you hear all of it in the silence of their closeness.

This is my journey, my path and my choice. And I choose life, love and happYness!

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