hurricane after the storm

……Two year old into the car, hubby drives and off we go once again into Mombasa. The whole time your brain is racing around as to what the BUT is…. BUT, BUT, BUT ….. When we reached the pathologist lab I literally jump out and run to the office. Talking to her she says things like BRCA test, predisposition, high risk, cancer markers…. it makes no sense until she said mastectomy could be an option but not the only option and she would recommend the BRCA test first…. I walked out smiling, to be honest I think I was smiling because nothing else seems to be a possibility. Crying would upset my husband and toddler, sad would make them worry and anger wasn’t there yet, so I smiled.

I go home and waited for my follow up with the surgeon and it all feels crazy. I couldn’t even type the word into my google search engine, I couldn’t say it or think it or anything…. I was living on a weird planet were nothing seems worth worrying over….. I just couldn’t get my brain to think and I couldn’t get myself to just consider what was said…..

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