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  • whoops there it is….

    I was wide awake one night watching a very old Gulliana and Bill episode, the one where she heard she had breast cancer…. I am talking 2am… So I think to myself, “Petra you should check yourself”. You see I just stopped breastfeeding (2 years) and it didn’t even cross my mind. So there I…

  • F what N A

    So after the longest 2 days of my life (apart from the two weeks I was on bedrest to keep my baby in till 36 weeks) I get an email saying there is no cancer but the results are not looking good. So in goes the 2 year old, the husband and me into the…

  • back home not alone

    So going through this is seriously easy, the hard part is seeing your husband going through it and your family. The hard part is convincing that lady you saw in town who heard from someone what is going on and trying to tell you to just wait and see….you kinda feel like saying: Are you…

  • lump out lump in

    I get in the taxi and set off to pick up a dear friend and every steadfast rock to come with me to hospital. Hubby is looking after toto and that was super important to me, throughout this whole process my main concern is keeping my toddler happy and safe and keeping my hubby away…

  • I’ve got sunshine….

    So I got home and my family was waiting, happy and full of tears. My toto said before being asked, mama you can’t pick me. How sweet and heartbreaking and filled to the brim with love. Recovery was made easy with lots of constant kisses and hugs and tons of love by hubby….. I was…

  • hurricane after the storm

    ……Two year old into the car, hubby drives and off we go once again into Mombasa. The whole time your brain is racing around as to what the BUT is…. BUT, BUT, BUT ….. When we reached the pathologist lab I literally jump out and run to the office. Talking to her she says things…

  • tongue tied and eyes wide

    After a few days of getting use to the idea of saying mastectomy and after getting around to googling it, I started telling friends and family and soon realize I need to be sure of my decision. Peoples natural instinct is to help, they want to give advise and tell you about a relative of…

  • the next of the next

    Let’s do a quick catch up…. I went to meet the surgeons in Nairobi and all went okay….. I will be the first in Kenya to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. They have however done many mastectomies, but due to cancer, so I am super lucky to have the choice. What I though would be…

  • no guilt

    I went out last night with some friends…. We ate and had wine and talked. They asked, I told them and we moved on. I went out last night with some friends…. We laughed and giggled and ate and had wine. We talked and talked and it was nice. We went dancing afterwards, danced and…

  • there is a time for everything

    And finally the day has come that I got my date for both surgeries and it’s so soon and so far away all at the same time. I have tricked my body and my mind to respond to any mention of the operation in excitement. So anytime someone asked me when I am going, I…

  • came out of nowhere

    I am spending all my free time prepping for the operation…. not for me but for the house. I am making pies, risotto, menus and organised shopping to be done and collected. I just want everything to go smoothly for both my hubby and toto while I’ll be in hospital. I am literally micro managing…

  • Becoming

    I woke up this morning… i knew it was gonna come, I knew I had to be prepared from day one… and today was d day. I woke up this morning… i knew it was coming, that question, that defining moment. I woke up this morning… my  husband looked at me and asked, “are u…

  • Away over the sea

    Hubby took me and toto for a beautiful night away on an island. We went by boat over a very very calm ocean, weaving our way through the mangroves. I looked at my husband and my child and I felt such sadness…. you see suffering with constant anxiety and it is about at this leg…

  • Black mantle

    So I am on t-minus 4 nights before d-day…. yesterday was particularly hard. I keep feeling that it’s my last, my last lunch at our Sunday venue, my last hair cut, my last weekend with my family. So many emotions that just bombard you from all sides and just makes you feel helpless and warrant…

  • hospital

    I had my operation today. The worst part is over! I hope! I am so blessed to be able to declare victory over this battle, I might not have won the war but the battle’s victory is written on my chest! Beautiful scars and an amazing experience to see how many nurses come in to…

  • the first

    I woke up today… lump free!   I woke up today… worry free!   I woke up today… care free!   I woke up today… with no breasts…   I have no breasts and yet I feel more woman and more empowered then I have ever felt before.   I woke up today… not knowing…

  • Method to madness

    Yesterday was just awful. Yesterday was a day I don’t want to think of or have ever again. Yesterday was painful and emotional and draining. It was never ending and all consuming. Yesterday is over and today I am kicking ass! No pain just swelling….so my boobs feels the same size they were which is…

  • Hairy scary

    Yesterday I started of kicking ass and taking names and then it all changed in seconds and ended being the worst day of my life ever. It was worst then the day I discovered the tooth fairy was fake, worst then the day my heart got broken for the first time, worst then my first…

  • The hanky

    I have a special secret weapon that gives me super powers and makes me invincible…. I have a super duper special shield that nothing can penetrate. Years ago I took a hanky out of my dad’s pocket. He always has one in his pocket and had it at the ready when ever it was needed.…

  • H is for home or is it?

    So we landed in Diani on the world’s best organized extra flight ever! But as a surprise to me the hard part has just started. H is for helpless, helpless while the house girl effortlessly takes over mothering duties. H is for homeless, without a place to fit in perfectly. Being unable to help makes…

  • sobering

    Everyday I hear from friends, family and acquaintance how brave I am…..but Sunday was sobering.   I went with my family to our usual hangout for Sunday lunch, and it was so nice to get back to normal, until that sobering moment hits you in the face like a bucket of icewater.   The table…

  • the shocking truth

    I have been home for two weeks and it is so lovely to be surrounded by family and friends. I have been very eager to share my story with everyone who ask and I am the first to lift up my shirt and let them see. I have had little to no pain and little…

  • All clear in the shadow box

    I finally got the all clear. Nothing on paper…this is Kenya, but one of my Drs called and said it looks like it’s all clear! Good enough for me. Sadly my happYness was short lived as the shadow of the reconstruction battle loomed it’s way back in! I keep wishing and hoping. I keep wanting…

  • mole

    Would you believe it they left the mole…..they left the freaking mole! I have had the most annoying mole on the side of my nipple and the surgeon left it there. It was one of the first things I asked when they did the dressing change and it wasn’t seen because of the silver stains…

  • pain

    “No pain”, has been my answer for the last three weeks. “Feeling great”, “healing fast”… I have hit an intersection and my body has decided it’s taking the wrong way. It has turned down phantom Avenue and it one hell of a painful ride! How bazaar is it that you are having pain and unscratchable…

  • The heart wants…

    As I lie awake, waiting for sleep to make me it’s slave, I cuddle with my toto. Her hair smells just like the very first day I held her and she still fits in perfectly to our cuddle spot. I feel the milk shoot in my breast and the heaviness of one breast resting on…

  • Disciples of decision

    After a very very very long time pondering the reconstruction of my nipples I have finally decided that it’s not for me. On one hand I am just wanting to be done with this whole very stretched out process and on the other hand I don’t want nipple stand forever hahaha. So I am working…

  • The heavens have opened

    Today is an amazing day…. after weeks of agonizing and worrying and living in two trees, my medical aid has finally sent me an email confirming to pay for both surgeries. No more lying awake at night worrying where and how the money would have been gotten…. no more stress! It feels like a very…

  • Pickled floors

    My last wait. My last fill. My last injections into my chest. My last time walking away knowing there is another time. My last! Sitting here waiting for the dr to come and fill me, I can’t help but notice how uninviting hospitals are… the floors are so bare and cold and sterile and scary.…