Becoming

I woke up this morning… i knew it was gonna come, I knew I had to be prepared from day one… and today was d day.

I woke up this morning… i knew it was coming, that question, that defining moment.

I woke up this morning… my  husband looked at me and asked, “are u sure u want and need this operation?”

I woke up this morning and felt like I was dying inside, slowly falling apart and fading away.

I prepared myself from the beginning that I would have to deal with this question. So I calmly turned to him and said, “I can skip the operation and face cancer when it strikes. I can win or I can loose it’s 50/50. I can skip the 11 weeks of pain and go through months of chemo and radiation. What would you do my love?”

Then it hits that last bit of hope buried away in a glass jar into millions of pieces. It breaks down every bit of hope that this was a bad dream and you see the hurt in his eyes.

I wish I could put him to sleep for 11 weeks and wake him up when it’s all over.

I woke up this morning….i am gonna wake up 9 more mornings where that question will matter, 9 more days of fighting the emotional battle and then I will wake up fighting the pain monster and swelling and discomfort.

I woke up this morning!

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