Away over the sea

Hubby took me and toto for a beautiful night away on an island. We went by boat over a very very calm ocean, weaving our way through the mangroves.

I looked at my husband and my child and I felt such sadness…. you see suffering with constant anxiety and it is about at this leg of the race, so to speak, where death and “the last time” comes in for me.

As we were drifting over the calm water and my child was admiring the magnitude of the the ocean, I was crying oceans of tears over the magnitude of what is about to happen. What if this is the last time we get to do this? What if this is the last time my child will be happy and whole and unaffected by what is about to happen? What if this is the last time for me to see her like this?

I am scared going to sleep and not waking up. I am scared going to sleep and not waking up as me. I am scared going to sleep and waking up without a part of me… i am just scared right now and that is okay.

I am scared of having a mastectomy.

I am scared of having a mastectomy.

I am scared of having a mastectomy.

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